Over the last weeks days, I having been fighting multiple battles and the biggest one was how to entertain an welcomed guest who arrives from nowhere and at no specific time—depression. I have been fighting it since O levels and even though my health is crashing constantly over the passage of years; I am growing immune to a lot of things, and have started to normalize quickly than my previous phases.
I run short of words describing what am I actually going through but I can define it as being ‘heavy’. It’s like a cloud that always castes over me, hung by a string that is too fragile to hold anything. Most of the times, irrespective of the intensity going dark and me expecting heavy showers of misery I tend to be okay but not always. You never know what will happen next, at times it falls so fast and with such velocity that in that split of a second when you make an attempt to run and save yourself, you end up getting pinned down and trapped in despair. This is a highly vicious phase and that visit that is paid when my life is blooming, ironic isn’t it? It’s like getting trapped in quick sand, the more I struggle to get out of it, the harder it gets for me to survive. The biggest struggle for me is that stage when all the light gets gulped by darkness (even though I love that extreme end of the color spectrum), and I am on the verge of just putting an end to all my miseries. This is not necessarily out of hopelessness or the abstract conviction that life’s assets and debits do not square. And most certainly not due to death looking very appealing all of a sudden. This will strike any person in whom its invisible agony reaches an unendurable level. It surely takes a lot of contemplating to come up to this extreme decision however, I always tend to pull myself back to normal.
Here’s a little glimpse of what is going on in my world. I have major trust issues with people on formal tasks these days, I lost people who I termed as my only friends, my cat just jumped out of the building for no reason and died, my finals are screwing me over badly, and I just cannot get along my relationship with the gym or my husband—work; working and working out is like a routine cup of morning coffee!
Also, I simply hate stupidity, people repeating things on a constant loop, dishonesty, wrong assumptions and aimless activities.
Wait…I forgot the fact that why does everyone find me so interesting and cannot respect the fact that I LOVE SOLITUDE AND I AM, AND WANT TO REMAIN BEING A PRIVATE PERSON! GRATITUDE!
The struggle is real!